


Beneath the Southern Sky

by Nuwanda



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2012-04-27
Packaged: 2017-11-04 10:35:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuwanda/pseuds/Nuwanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years after the end of Supernatural Jensen's life isn't what he had planned. He is getting divorced, his friendship with Jared is practically non-existent and he works non-stop. He follows an invitation and visits Jared on a Caribbean Island - it could be his chance to save their friendship or maybe, he will find even more than what he even did hope for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Chapter One

The side windows of the jeep are open and Jensen turns his head, letting the sun travel over his face where it burns down mercilessly from the cloudless, deep-blue sky. He doesn't mind, relishing the feeling of too hot and damp skin. He’s come directly from the cold and it's a wonderful thing to not have to freeze for once. It's quiet, has been since Jared picked him up from the airport and he glances over, thinking about something to say but coming up with nothing. If somebody had told him some years ago that it would be like this between them, a little awkward and tense, he wouldn’t have believed it.

The island landscape is rolling by them as they make their way to Jared's house. Rough edged mountains at the centre with glistening waterfalls, overgrown sugar plantations, tropical forest and long, white-sandy beaches; the Caribbean Sea a beautiful mix of deep blue, light green and turquoise. “So what’s it like working in paradise?” he finally asks and Jared laughs out loud, white teeth and dimpled grin. The sight and sound get under Jensen's skin within the split of a second and he has to look away, swallowing hard. His eyes track some surfers instead, loading their boards in an old VW bus. 

“The heat is tiring, there is always sand in your clothes and it rains here just as much as it does in Vancouver.” Jared says.

Jensen snorts in disbelief. “Liar. There is no place where it rains as much as it does in Vancouver.”

“True.” Jared concedes with a soft chuckle. He takes off of the main road onto a smaller street along the ocean and when he starts to retell a story about a recent shooting at a nearby beach, Jensen leans back against the head-rest of his seat and listens quietly. It's the perfect opportunity to study Jared, and he does so while trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.  
His hair is lighter than Jensen remembered, probably due to all those hours of working under the island sun. His skin is tanned, a deep bronze, his still perfectly sculpted body is covered by a white shirt and beige cargo-shorts, aviator sunglasses hide his smooth face. Jared talks just as loud and lively as ever, would probably even use his hands to animate his story if it wasn’t for him driving. But there are these tiny little things that tell Jensen how nervous Jared actually is; the sunglasses he hasn’t taken off once, the twitch around his mouth whenever he stops speaking and those slim fingers that drum a little too quickly against the steering wheel. There is nothing easy about his relaxed posture. Jared looks good though, charming really. He probably always did but these days Jensen doesn’t have the strength to lie to himself about it anymore.

Four years ago, when Supernatural ended Jensen’s world tilted upside down. It was understandable and maybe even expected as it had been an intensive part of his life for six years but on some level it overwhelmed him completely. The way he felt then was different from anything else he had experienced before. And as much as he tried to figure it out, he just didn’t know why. It was not the first set he‘d left behind, nor the first crew and co-star he’d parted ways with and yet, it had never been as difficult and maybe even as painful as it was when he and Jared said their goodbyes. The fact that they would see each other soon, the flight was already booked, didn't make it that much easier.  
A cab took him to the airport, the streets deserted in that early morning hour, the tepid air a foretaste of the oncoming summer. He took in the eerie calmness of the rising day when he noticed just how heavy his heart was. His hands trembled slightly and he stared down at them, wondering quietly and with a frown on his face what was wrong with him.

This strange mood didn't cease over the next few months and it started to freak him out. He never was one to dwell too long on the past, always quick to put it behind him. But he missed Jared like crazy and every call or visit left him feeling even more sad and unsteady than before. It felt like a loss. The interaction between them became uneasy and strained; they never really talked about much but the most casual of topics. The depth they once had in their friendship seemed to fade with time and distance like they didn’t fit into each others lives anymore. Many times he promised himself to call Jared later that day or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but there was always something getting in the way that he deemed more important and suddenly months had passed without any contact between them at all. Jensen isn't proud of the way things had ended up between him and Jared but when he realised how estranged they had become he had thought that there was nothing he could do about it. In the end it simply became easier to not talk to Jared.

Jensen decided not to stay with the CW managing to get a role in a Steven Soderbergh movie. It was a huge success and his acting was well acknowledged by the critics. From then on he just took one project after the other. It suited him, it kept him busy. He put everything into his work, never took a break. Never stopped to breathe, never allowed himself to think too much. But despite all his devotion and love for his job, the movies he did, the roles he played, there was always something missing, what exactly that something was he didn’t know.  
He did a Lasse Hallström movie in Italy, then took up an offer for a part in another romantic comedy of Richard Curtis' in the UK and then stayed to play at the Old Vic for Kevin Spacey. Being all those miles away from home helped him to get his head clear. He felt like he was able to breathe for the first time in a long while. But it didn't do much good for his marriage though. After months of not enough time together and too many arguments, Danneel filed for divorce, and maybe he should have tried harder, fought more for what they once had. He didn't though. He couldn’t. He just didn’t have the heart for it.

With a whole ocean as a safe distance between him and the rest of his life, Jensen started to reflect upon a lot of things, about what he wants from his life and what he has accomplished so far but most of the time he thought about himself, he would find himself thinking about Jared too.

There had always been something between them, a certain chemistry, a deeper connection that he had accepted gladly but never really analysed. In the middle of Hyde Park, sitting on a bench and watching squirrels chasing around, he found himself wondering if there had ever been more between them than just pure friendship. It was a thought that didn’t let him go again. He imagined what it would be like, him and Jared together and if maybe they had been on the verge of something more intimate when he’d moved in with him. At that time their friendship had been so deep and all-encompassing than ever before and probably never thereafter again. Maybe it could have changed into something else if one of them would have made that one pivotal move.

He always tries to dismiss these thoughts as quickly as they come because you can’t live your life on missed chances and what ifs and even _if_ he could go back and do things differently, there is no guarantee. He can think of a thousand different reasons why Jared couldn’t possibly feel the same.

A hole in the road startling him from his musings. It’s quiet once again and Jared has turned on the radio to fill it. The air is full of salt and the scent of seaweed, the sun is still burning down and suddenly Jensen notices how incredible tired he is. He finished filming in Alaska for Christopher Nolan only a week ago and the cold weather and dark atmosphere of the set is still lingering in his bones. But it's not just that. Out of the corner of his eyes he continues to watch Jared and it’s not for the first time that Jensen doubts it was such a good decision to come here.

*~*~*

“Hey, Jen. We're there.”

A gentle touch to his elbow makes Jensen rise and blink. He must have dozed off and he apologizes to Jared who only smiles softly in return. Getting out of the car he hauls his suitcase out of the trunk and follows Jared inside what will be his home for the next two weeks. It's an old beach house but it looks like it’s been restored recently, white wood panels, blue louvre doors and huge windows. The garden is full of mangroves and palm trees, jasmine and hibiscus and when he steps down the hall and into the bright living room, he can see the ocean through the double glass doors that lead on to the deck.

After giving him the grand tour Jared leaves him alone to get settled into the guest room. It's bright and cosy as well with white furniture and a big fluffy-cushioned bed; the walls and curtains are coloured in pastel blue and green. Lilac hyacinths are placed on the night desk. The most amazing thing is probably the ballroom-sized bathroom with a separate shower stall and frosted glass walls. He lets out a low whistle and goes in search for Jared.

“You do know that I'll probably spend half of my vacation inside the bathroom, don't you?” he says when he finds him outside in one of the deckchairs, his bare feet propped up on the railing.

Jared turns his head and looks up at him. “Now how did I know you were going to say something like that?”

“Yeah, well, how can I not? This place is really beautiful.”

“So, does that mean that my humble home suits your taste for a holiday accommodation?” Jared replies mockingly.

Jensen snorts and sits down on the deck swing, stretching his legs in the afternoon sun. “Humble home my ass. Having been nominated for an Emmy twice clearly seems to have its perks.”

“Oh, come on. You don't really want to tell me that they book you in some dosshouses when you're filming, do you?” 

Jensen tilts his head in a small gesture of affirmation. He hesitates, not sure if he wants to say what is on his mind but in the end, he does. “I know that I should have told you earlier and I'm sorry I didn't but your role as that corrupt police officer Hardy? You’ve been absolutely brilliant. You deserved to win that Emmy.”

A light blush creeps up Jared's cheeks. He probably notices so himself as he rubs his face and huffs a laugh. “You've seen it?”

It throws Jensen off a little bit that Jared even doubts it. “Of course I did. You've been doing a fantastic job, I've been so proud of you and you should be pretty damn proud of yourself.” he says with the utmost conviction but keeps quiet about the fact that he always makes sure to see absolutely everything Jared does have a part in. 

“Thanks, uh, that means a lot.” Jared says and looks down. His bangs fall in his face but not enough to hide the soft smile that plays out around his mouth. Jensen tries not to stare too much, he clears his throat.

“I guess I should be the one thanking you, you know, for inviting me, letting me stay here.”

Jared raises his head, his eyes searching Jensen's. “There is nothing to thank me for.” He says it as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to ask your ex-best-friend out of the blue and in the middle of another weird phone call if he would like to spend a few weeks with you on a Caribbean Island. Jensen is still not sure what made Jared invite him and why he took him up on the offer. 

“I'm just saying that you probably have a really tight filming schedule and I don't want to be a burden. I'll try to be as unobtrusive as possible.”

Jared considers him for a moment. “Don't be an idiot, Jen. You’re not a burden.” he leans forward, arms braced on his knees and hands clasped together. “You should know that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for you. When I called, you sounded like you needed a place to hide, so why not here, with me?”

“That's....” Jensen doesn’t know what to say. A warm feeling spreads through him and he looks away, staring ahead; the sun is a huge ball of pomegranate red. He can feel Jared’s eyes still on him. “To be honest, I have no desire to be in L.A. right now. Why would I want to watch Danneel as she removes the last of her stuff from our apartment?”

“I'm sorry Jen. How are you holding up?”

“Getting divorced isn’t much fun.” Jensen admits and his smile is bitter. “But that's nothing new.”

“Yeah, welcome to the club.” Jared says quietly. Jensen remembers the day when he learned about Jared’s break up with Genevieve. He had been in Italy and it had stung that it was Misha who called him and not Jared. But the last time they had spoken to each other had been so long ago, maybe it shouldn’t have surprised him at all.

“Do you sometimes wonder what might have happened between you two if things had been different?” Misha did ask him after a long pause and with subtle curiosity, leaving Jensen shell-shocked. He stood off-side the set in the centre of Rome, the Spanish stairs a few feet away. The crew was busy with the preparations for the next scene and Peter Sarsgaard lounged in his chair, sipping a tea. Everything seemed to be wrong and surreal; he never felt so out of place before.  
“No.“ he finally answered Misha's question, not trusting his voice to say more. Of course it was a lie but he successfully ignored the strange feeling in his chest. His acting though, it had been off for the rest of the day.

Jensen looks at Jared and not for the first time he wonders what made him leave Genevieve. Rumours were about an affair but Jensen never believed them to be true. Jared is too loyal and caring to do anything like it. “What happened between you and Gen?”

“We fought about everything and argued almost non stop.” Jared says tonelessly and Jensen can’t help but get the impression, well rehearsed. “I guess I still love her, I always will but in the end there wasn’t much left from our marriage.”

“Yeah, but why? Why didn't it work?” Jensen asks again and he knows that he is being a little obtrusive.

Jared's gaze lingers on Jensen for a long time. “There was.....” he licks his lips and his eyes flicker to the ocean before they settle back on him. “It just wasn't meant to be.”

It isn't the truth, at least not all of it. There is more to this story than Jared lets on. Four years ago Jensen maybe would have asked, called Jared on it. Today he isn't sure that he is entitled to do so; he still can’t quite figure out where things stand between them. With a nod he lets it go and looks away. The atmosphere is strangely heavy; like the scent of jasmine that fills the air.

*~*~*

Jensen wakes up to sunbeams tickling his nose and the sensation of being watched. For a few seconds he doesn't know where he is but then his eyes fall on Jared who leans against the wooden frame of the back door, his eyes resting intently on him. Jensen sits up, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. He couldn't find any sleep last night and after much tossing and turning he found his way back outside to huddle down on one of the deckchairs. He must have finally dozed off whilst listening to the sound of the rolling waves.

“Morning.” he mumbles sleepily.

Jared pushes off the frame and steps outside. The mug he’s holding out for Jensen contains freshly-brewed coffee, strong and full-bodied. Jensen inhales deeply before he takes a sip, savouring the taste. It's perfect, exactly the way he likes it and he looks up because Jared remembered. The warmth he feels when he catches Jared's eyes doesn’t just come from the hot liquid that runs down his throat.

“It seems that a good coffee is still the best way to get into your good morning grace.” Jared mutters with a wistful smile and Jensen returns it easily. Despite the bumpy start, last night did turn out to be surprisingly relaxed and not as tense as Jensen feared. It was nice to sit together and talk to each other, quiet and undisturbed and far away from everything. Just the two of them, catching up about their families, friends and work. It seems that the delicate balance they established yesterday does still exist this morning. 

He folds his legs underneath him and pats the empty space next to him indicating for Jared to sit down. “You didn’t sleep well last night?” Jared asks, he is already showered and dressed in loose jeans and a shirt, bare feet and with his hair still damp.

Jensen shrugs. He never sleeps enough lately, the nightly hours are always too dark and quiet and leave him with too many thoughts. He never was one for moping, or being over dramatic and he is grateful for the opportunities his career gives him and for all the people he has the chance to work with but it happens now and then, and even more lately, that he wishes for more. He isn’t really unhappy, but if he were to be asked if he is content with his life, he doesn’t know what he would say. He has family and friends he sees far too little, his marriage failed and the main problem is that he was in love with the wrong person. Being happy should feel different, better.

“No, not really. I just need to get used to the difference in temperature between here and Alaska.” he plays it down. Jared stays quiet but his eyes continue to rest on him, thoughtful and assessing, a slight frown is wrinkling his forehead. Jensen drinks his coffee and ignores it until he can't take it anymore. “Jared, what?”

Jared licks his lips and sighs warily. “We may not have seen each other in quiet a while but I still know how you look when you're not okay. And you're definitely not okay, Jen.”

“Uh, yeah, surprise Sherlock but I'm getting divorced.” Jensen says, a little harsher than he intended to do but he doesn't like the path this conversation is heading. 

Jared just shakes his head. “I know you, Jen, and that's not it. You’re pale, you have dark circles under your eyes and you look like you haven't slept in weeks.” he states and his concerned eyes flicker over Jensen's face and body. “I bet you don't even remember the last time you slept properly. So I’m asking you, what's wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. You know how hard shooting can be. It was a little stressful the last few months so there wasn't much time for bathing in the sun. Besides, I was in _Alaska_.” Jensen replies evasively, hoping for God's sake that it will be enough but Jared continues.

“Jensen--”

“God, Jared, please let it be.” Jensen interrupts him, scratching his neck. He had forgotten what it felt like to be the sole focus of Jared's sometimes overbearing attention. “I just....Jesus, I did two films this year, three the last. It was hard work but I liked it. I know it's a lot and that Nolan film wasn’t planned but you don’t say no to someone like him, do you?”

“And there was nobody who told you to take a step back and take some time for yourself? Your family? Your friends? What about Misha? You two are still close, aren’t you?” Jared snaps, looking utterly furious. He has a point there and Jensen looks away, presses his lips together. He can give Jared that one, keeping the rest inside and hidden.

“You know how I can get when I focus on my job. But....there was nobody, at least no one I would have listened to.” he admits quietly. Jared shifts, his anger is melting away into something with so much fondness that Jensen’s heart speeds up and slows down at the same time. It looks like Jared wants to touch him but then his eyes flicker behind Jensen and his hand falls short between them. 

“Hey Amy.” he says and stands up to greet a brunette coming up the stairs leading on to the deck. He hugs her tightly and she nearly vanishes in the circle of his arms.

“Morning, Jared.” she replies and beams at him before she turns around to Jensen, taking him in with open curiosity. It makes him uncomfortable. “Hi Jensen, it's so nice to finally meet you. Jared told me so much about his days in Vancouver that I was really curious to get to know you.”

“Amy lives next door. She’s a good friend, showed me around the island when I first got here.” Jared explains, a little too vague for Jensen's liking. Amy is tiny and delicate, with long dark hair that falls in gentle waves over her shoulders. Her brown eyes are warm and friendly and her smile is cute. She looks adorable and is exactly Jared's type.

Jensen forces a smile of his own and gives the polite standard reply. “It’s nice to meet you too and whatever he told you about me, if it’s bad it isn’t true.”

She laughs at that, real and open with sparkling eyes and perfect white teeth and Jensen tries not to let his smile slip because she is not just Jared's type, she is definitely the sort of girl Jared's wet dreams are made of. 

“Oh, don't worry, he praised you highly.” she assures him and Jensen flushes. When he glances sidewards he catches Jared as he rolls his eyes and mouths something to her he can't get the meaning of. Amy just raises her eyebrows and pads Jared's arm softly, she doesn't take her hand away again. The familiarity of their silent conversation and interaction is all the proof that Jensen needs that there is something going on between them. His fingers curl tightly around his mug and he looks away towards the sandy beach and at the white crestwaves dancing on the water and the sharp line of the blue horizon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm, I should probably warn about a small scene between Jared and somebody else in this chapter. Blink and you will miss it!

Chapter Two

 

Amy, Jared and Jensen spend the day in the island capital; narrow streets with their welcoming shadows, squares lined with palm trees, colourful colonial style buildings and a covered market place with stalls full of wooden carvings, hand-woven baskets, food and spices. Jensen gets some pearl earrings for his Momma and some cigars for his Dad. 

Later, Amy makes them buy some fruits, mangos and carambola, dates and watermelon and they sit down on the pier, watching the small fisher boats and large cruisers anchoring in the harbour bay. Cliffs rise out of the water on one side of the bay, overgrown with mahogany trees and pines, little white houses set amongst them. The scenery reminds Jensen a little of the Cote d'Azur where he spent one week about a year ago. It had been his last time together with Danneel and he clearly remembers the evening she told him about the other man, a co-star of hers, she’d developed feelings for. He listened to her with the street noises of Nice filtering through the open window of their hotel room and the compressor of the air condition inside switching on and off. He looked at her and felt sad and empty and drained. 

Jensen pushes the unwanted memories away and closes his eyes, his heated skin prickles, the scent of fish and seaweed strong in his nose. Under the Caribbean sun and far away from everything, time seems to tick slowly and he is slowing down as well, adjusting to the pace and atmosphere around him.

Amy nudges him with her elbow and he looks over to her. Jensen learned quickly that it is impossible to not like her. You can't hate someone who is sweet and funny, clever with a sharp tongue and a witty sense of humour. It's not her fault, the way it is between him and Jared, the complicated feelings he has are something he has to sort out with himself. So, Jensen takes the date she is holding out for him and peels it open, chats with her while the sweet taste of the fruit unfolds on his tongue. He laughs at her jokes and smiles at Jared and tries not to stare too hard at the watermelon juice that runs down Jared's chin.

When the sun is set low, golden afternoon light casts long shadows, they meet up with Amy's brother Kyle and his girlfriend at a cosy little beach-side restaurant, famous for its sea food dishes. Kyle is shorter than Jensen, athletic body, steel blue eyes and sun bleached hair, dark tan. His looks are so completely different from Amy’s that Jensen is a little baffled and it’s only later on, when Amy tells him that Kyle is her stepbrother that it makes sense. Kyle seems to be a little crazy, a laid-back surfer right down to the core. He spends most of his free time out on the water in search of the perfect wave and even during their time at the restaurant he scans the water every so often.  
Right now though, when Jared introduces them and they shake hands it’s a strange moment when Kyle gives him the same curious once-over as Amy did. “So you're the famous Jensen Ackles. We've heard a lot about you.” he says and grins mischievously. Jensen shifts embarrassed and takes too long to come up with a reply. In the end, he just looks over at Jared with a raised eyebrow and a smirk which he hopes is easy and relaxed. 

“God, Jay. Should I be worried? What did you tell them? That I'm wanted in all fifty states?” he only half-jokes and watches how Jared's eyes fall away from him and towards Kyle with barely concealed anger. 

“Yes, Jared. Should he be worried?” Kyle says grinningly and Jensen doesn't know what that means and if he even likes the guy. He genuinely wonders what it is that Jared told them about those six years on Supernatural, about their time in Vancouver and about him in particular. It's not that Jensen avoids the topic; there are times when he and Misha tear up with laughter recalling all the fun they had. Some of Jared's pranks are still the best Jensen ever experienced. Mostly though, he likes to keep those memories to himself. They always make him a bit too melancholy.

Jared’s voice sounds strange when he replies, “Don't listen to Kyle. He thinks he’s funny.” He steers them to a free table, his palm leaving a burning sensation on Jensen's right shoulder blade and the only thing Jensen can think about is how that really isn’t a proper answer to his question.

*~*~*

The night is still young and beautiful with the sun settled not that long ago, the starlit sky unfolding slowly above them. The air is hard to breathe, humid after the rain shower that came down earlier. They all headed back to Jared's house, sitting outside now and joined by some friends of Kyle and Amy. There is rum and tequila, some frozen margaritas and key lime pie. Jensen smiles and watches and listens, tries to learn about Jared's life here on the island, about the people he calls his friends and temporary family. Jared seems content, Jensen notices, and it's a good look on him.

It's not that Jensen isn’t having a good time himself. Despite his initial reluctance at having to share his time with Jared, he has to admit that he enjoyed the day; all of them welcomed him warmly. But when he looks around the table he still feels a little out of place. There are so many inside jokes and stories that he can only follow so far and it makes him sad, reminding him once again of what he and Jared left behind when they moved on to fulfil their individual dreams and hopes for their lives. And there’s nothing wrong with that, theoretically, and perhaps even in general life changes constantly and no one person is with you at all times. But in this instance, it was something, or rather someone so dearly precious whom Jensen had lost sight of that it was impossible for him not to wish that things could be different. He can only hope that it didn't take him too long to realize it.

Kyle retells an obviously funny story about a party they all went to a few weeks ago and it involves a mango and somebody Jensen didn’t get the name of tripping down the stairs and into the water. Jared leans forward and laughs. It's loud and carefree and beautiful. He and Kyle high-five each other like they are high school kids and Jensen can't really remember the last time he was jealous about something like friendship, probably when he was five and his sandbox-friend gave his shovel to the new kid instead of him. But now he has to fight the urgent need to point out to Kyle and the others how far back his and Jared's friendship goes, that he knew Jared before them and that Jared's stories once included him as well. 

Jensen isn't sure if Jared notices that he is a little too quiet and hides his insecurities behind his (admittedly) over-politeness but as the evening goes on he rarely leaves Jensen's side, catches his eyes frequently and sits so close that Jensen can feel his body heat and smell his cologne, something spicy with a fruity hint of lemon. Jared’s long limbs are sprawled out all over, his fingers skim along the rim of his glass, his calf is pressed against Jensen's and his arm is slung over the back of Jensen's chair. Jensen briefly wonders how all the attention Jared bestows upon him fits into whatever is going on between him and Amy but it's a rather fleeting thought. In the end he just lets it happen, simply soaks up the sensations and if his stomach is a little too tight and if he doesn't dare to move his leg but holds the pressure and if he leans back a little to feel Jared's arm against his shoulders, then so be it.

Finishing his second margarita and licking his lips because, damn, they are really good he turns his head to find Jared staring at him, the faint light of the garden lanterns makes his eyes look golden. “You want another one of those?” he says and reaches out for Jensen’s glass, leaning further into Jensen’s personal space with his move. Jensen doesn’t trust himself to not get stupidly drunk and though he doesn’t want to put an end to this cosy proximity, he has common-sense enough to shake his head.

He yawns and it's not even faked. “Nah, I think I should call it a night.” he says instead and shifts to stand up. 

Jared rises as well, looking a little surprised. “Already? It’s still so early in the evening.”

“I know, it's just that I'm pretty beat. The last months have been so exhausting, guess they’re catching up on me now.” Jensen replies. Jared nods and lets him go with a squeeze to his arm and Jensen can feel Jared’s eyes on him as he heads inside.

He meets Kyle in the hall just outside the kitchen, balancing two bowls of crisps and a few bottles of beer. “Oh, hey, perfect timing. Lend me a hand, will yah? As you’re more into the hot and spicy ones I opened them as well.”

Jensen takes the beer bottles from Kyle, pauses briefly and glances back down the empty hall. “You seem to know an awful lot about me.” he states with all the casualness in the world and adds as an afterthought “That's creepy.” He waits a few seconds, focuses on the way the evening breeze moves the curtains but there is no reply and he turns his head to look at Kyle. 

Kyle’s gaze is thoughtful but when his eyes meet Jensen's he shrugs his shoulders. “Nah, you know him. I mean, that's just Jared, right?” he replies and Jensen wants to huff his annoyance because Kyle is a nice guy, somehow, but his cryptic way of talking grates on his nerves. He swallows it down and hides it behind an easy smile. 

“Just Jared?” he repeats it as a question.

“Yeah, he talks a lot about you. By now I know your golf handicap, your favourite colour, that you are allergic to oranges and grass pollens and apparently that you like these ones.” Jensen doesn't know what to say, so he stays silent. Kyle smirks at him and even with his hands full, he manages it somehow to pop some crisps into his mouth. “I known Jared for a few months now and he just is that funny, open and friendly guy, you know? But I've never heard him laugh that much as he did today. It’s really a shame that it took you so long to come for a visit.”

With that Kyle leaves and Jensen gapes at his retreating form, the beer in his hands forgotten. He doesn't know if he should feel offended or guilty, probably a bit of both. After all, he wasn’t the only one who didn't find the time for a visit.

*~*~*

Towel slung around his waist, Jensen looks at himself in the huge mirror above the sink. The light is bright, a little harsh and it makes it difficult to overlook all the given flaws and marks his reflection shows. Jared had been right. He does look weary and drained, holds his mouth too tight and his freckles stand out clearly against his pale skin, his frame is a little too thin. Where everybody sees just months of work, Jared looked right behind the façade, sensing that something is wrong on a more fundamental level. Sometimes, Jared is too smart for his own good or rather Jensen’s in this case.

He sighs and reaches for his toothbrush when there is a knock on the door to his room and Jared calls him tentatively. “Just give me a sec.” he replies and puts on his boxers and a thin t-shirt. 

When he comes out of the bathroom Jared stands beside the dresser, one hand in his jeans pocket, the other is holding Jensen’s watch. He placed it in a bowl on top of the dresser. Jared stares down at it, his thumb rubs back and forth over the metal, absentmindedly and oddly gentle. It’s the watch Jared got him as a present and after all these years, after replacing the band and mending the glass Jensen still wears it, because it’s a beautiful watch, because he likes it and it’s a token of their friendship. 

Jensen is a little embarrassed about getting caught in his own sentimentality but this is not what makes him clear his throat. It’s the way he feels like he’s intruding on something, a quiet conversation Jared has with himself. Jared turns his head and looks at Jensen, smiling bashfully. He puts the watch back into the bowl. “I just wanted to ask if you’re okay.”

Jensen frowns a little. “Shouldn't I be? Why do you ask?”

Laughter and the clinking of glasses can be heard from the garden and Jared tilts his head towards the window, watching him. “You came here to relax and right on your first day I have nothing better to do than to drag you around the island and invite all these people. I'm sorry, Jen. I didn't give enough thought to it.”

Jensen shakes his head. “Nah, you have nothing to be sorry for. I had a great time today, really, Jared. The island is beautiful. Amy is a blast and Kyle is....uhm....” he trails off in search for the right word, something that doesn't sound too judgemental but Jared just laughs.

“I know he can come across a bit forthright and a little in your face but Kyle is a good guy, has his heart in the right place.”

“If you say so.” Jensen's lips pull into a smile. “You found yourself another Chad huh?” 

Jared scowls playfully and swats the back of Jensen’s head. “Dude, play nice.” He crosses the room but stops at the door to turn around again. There is something crossing his features but it's gone too quickly to pin it down. He stands there, long fingers curl around the frame and he takes Jensen in for a long, quiet moment. “You should consider yourself lucky though that there’s just one you.“ he finally says. “Night, Jen.”

Jensen swallows against the tightness in his throat. It's not fair. Jared shouldn't be allowed to say things like that; it makes it even harder for Jensen to not feel so goddamn much for him. He thinks of a reply, probably standing there like an idiot and he curses inwardly. Being around Jared again is easy as ever and at the same time as complicated as never before. He swallows once more to get at least some words out. “Goodnight, Jay. It's....it's really good to be here.”

Jared smiles at him. “And I'm glad that you’re here.” he replies and closes the door softly behind him.

*~*~*

Jensen wakes up to the house being dark and quiet. He looks over at the red numbers of the alarm clock to confirm that it's still in the middle of the night, just past two o’clock. He groans and throws his arm over his eyes, trying to find his way back into sleep but it's too warm, the thin cotton sheets stick to his skin and his throat is dry and itchy. In the end he gets up and pads along the hall to the kitchen, feeling his way along the wall so he doesn’t have to turn on any lights.

He is just passing the living room when he hears the voices from outside, a soft laughter, followed by some low murmured words. He stops and deep down he knows that he shouldn’t take a look but it’s like an invisible leash that pulls him over, his curiosity gets the better of him. Crossing the living room Jensen slides with caution behind the curtain at the window and hides in the shadow, glancing outside. Hearing the deeper voice again, this time he immediately identifies it as Jared's. He moves a little to get a better angle and that's when he sees him, sees them, Jared and Amy.

Aside from the slight stab to his heart, it's probably the hottest thing Jensen has ever seen and it's really difficult for him to keep his breathing under control. He can't get closer, not without being seen so most of it stays in the shadows and half-light that the moon casts upon the garden. That doesn't mean that the scene which unfolds in front of him isn't enough to keep his fantasies going on forever. 

Jared has Amy laid out on one of the lawn chairs down in the garden and underneath an almond tree. His huge frame swallows her much smaller one nearly completely. His t-shirt is gone, carelessly tossed to the ground behind them and her delicate fingers run up and down his broad back and over his shoulders. Jared's skin is covered in a fine layer of sweat, glowing almost ethereal in the silver moonlight and Jensen watches with rapt attention at how Jared's back muscles flex and his biceps strain as he holds himself up to not crush her. His gaze follows the smooth curve of Jared's back, the perfect swell of his ass and when Jared leans down, just that little bit further, to brush his lips along her throat, working his hips down on her, Jensen has to bite back a gasp as heat rises up into his cheeks.

Jensen isn't sure how long he stands there watching them but a creaky noise from somewhere behind him snaps him out of it and he pulls away, slowly and quietly so as not to make his presence known. Almost in a trance, eyes a little unfocused, he makes his way back to the guest room, the water he wanted to get from the kitchen long forgotten. He feels hot and it's not the Caribbean night that's responsible for the state he’s in.

Sinking down onto the bed Jensen presses his palm flat against his crotch, willing his erection away. No way will he jerk off in Jared's house to the images of Jared's body while the man in question is just a few feet away. He closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing, praying for sleep to take over so he won't have to deal with any of it but he is too aroused, feeling more pathetic and wistful than anything else. He thinks about him and Jared, about the things that maybe could have been and he regrets that he never tried. If he had though, then maybe it would be them, lying back there in the garden, on the lawn chair under the almond tree and with the moonlight shining above them.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 

It's early in the morning, in fact too early for Jensen to be awake but yesterday’s events and especially those of last night made sleeping long and peaceful impossible. He stands at the beach, watching the waves break against the rocks out in the open sea. Water is sloshing around him, soaking his jeans where his bare feet are buried in the wet sand. Nobody is out here beside him and he has the view all to himself just like the faint morning light that's changing colours rapidly. The air is not exactly cold, but pleasantly fresh, the salty wind ruffles his hair and ghosts over his cheeks. Jensen takes a few deep and measured breaths, tries to find his equilibrium that's been off for months and even more so since he came here. Love shouldn't be this nerve-wracking, it shouldn't make you feel unhappy and lonely and above all, it shouldn't be one-sided. 

His eyes catch a sea shell by the edge of the water and he picks it up. It's spirally coiled, white with some pearly stripes. A few parts are broken off, revealing glimpses of the interior structure and the edges are worn, smoothed. The shell looks a little like Jensen feels. He leans down to wash it clean, wiping away some grains of sand with his thumb before pocketing it.

It's much later, over two hours, when he finally makes his way back to the house. The sun came up high, heating up the air in a way that makes him long for nothing else except a bottle of cool water. It's just; it had been a good feeling to simply walk around with no real aim, just following the trail of shells all over the beach; picking, examining and deciding which ones to keep, throwing the others back into the ocean. He didn't realise how much time had passed. Jumping over the small garden gate Jensen looks up and notices Jared at the top of the stairs, leaning back against one of the wooden pillars, arms and ankles crossed.  
“Morning, Jen. Thought I’d need to send out a search party for you.” he says and there it is again, that damn irresistible smile, making one feel like the most important person in the whole world and Jensen, he feels it deep down, like always.

“Uh yeah, sorry about that but I totally lost track of time. I was all the way up to that little lighthouse when I realised that I’d have to make it all the way back as well.” he replies and brings up his hand to flatten his wind-ruffled hair as much as he could. Walking on and up the stairs he avoids looking at Jared as much as possible without being too obvious about it. Jared is wearing low-fitting jeans and a wife beater and it's difficult not to stare too hard at his biceps and muscled shoulders and not remember last night, how he looked, shirtless and with all that glowing naked skin on display. Jensen's face heats up and he curses quietly, emptying his pockets and placing the shells on the windowsill.

“Oh don't you worry, I'm only half-starved to death by now.” Jared jokes. “Breakfast will be ready in a minute though. I made some pancakes.” Coming over he picks up one of the shells, studying it. “We thought about heading to _'playa dorada'_ today, a beach on the other side of the island. It's totally secluded and pretty much an inside place of the local surfers. No tourists around.”

“We?” Jensen inquires.

“Yeah, me and Amy thought that it would be a nice place to.....” Jared stops and bites his lips. He places the shell back and puts his hands in his jeans pockets, rocking on his heels. He looks young at this moment, innocent and eager and when his eyes meet Jensen's, it takes Jensen back to a small office about ten years ago where they first met. He wonders, tries to recall if his heart felt as weird back then as it does now.  
“I'm doing it again, huh?” Jared asks self-consciously. “It's just that I want you to have a great time here so that you'll....” he trails off again and shakes his head. “You know what? Your vacation, your decision. We don't have to go at all. If you want, we can stay here, or maybe make a trip to one of the caves up in the north. There is also this little picturesque fishing village nearby; we can buy some crawfish straight from one of the boats to put them on the grill later. Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it. It's completely up to you.”

While Jared talks and out of the corner of his eyes, Jensen can see Amy moving around in the neighbouring garden, watering some plants. He wonders if she stayed the night and if it was this morning, in Jared's bed, in his arms that they had decided the beach would be an awesome idea to keep him entertained. He bites his lips and focuses back on Jared, feeling guilty for even thinking this way. Jared likes her, he can do this for his friend, just his friend. Nothing more. He has to remind himself of that. 

“Jen? Did you hear a word I just said?” Jared steps up to him. “You okay?”

Jensen snaps out of his thoughts and turns towards Jared. “I......” he takes his time and licks his lips, tasting the salt. His eyes sweep over the beach and then he says, “Yeah, I'm okay. Let's have breakfast, I'm hungry and afterwards I would really like to see that beach.”

He moves towards the house but Jared doesn't follow, reaches for Jensen's arm instead. “If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.” he says seriously. Jensen lowers his head, stares down at the contact. He laughs at the way the touch unsettles him, the sound is out of his mouth before he has the chance to hold it back. Jared tilts his head, looks strangely at him. “I _am_ here for you, if you just let me.” he says with more emphasis and Jensen realises how him laughing must have come across.

He clears his throat. “I know that Jared. I know that you are. I'm sorry.” He tugs at his arm that's stretched out between them. “Jay? Come on, please?”

Jared sighs. “I really wish you would trust me enough to talk about it.”

“I wish for a lot of things, too.” Jensen mutters under his breath, watching Jared retreat into the house.

*~*~*

Jensen falls down, face first on his towel, salt water droplets cling to his skin and he wriggles his toes in the sand, sighing contently. The beach is staggering, ridiculous in its beauty and he comes to think that probably the whole island is full of places taken directly from a travelling catalogue. White sugary sand behind high dunes, palms and rocks and a small river that runs out into the turquoise ocean, rhododendron and hibiscus left and right of the river bank. Just like Jared said, the place is almost deserted and after all those narrow streets and bumpy dirt roads it took them to get here it's really not that surprising. Kyle is there with his clique of local surfers; a few other people are playing volleyball further down the beach. It's warm sunshine, it's lazy summer and he drifts off slowly to the noises of the waves, the calls of the sea gulls and the murmur of voices around him.

“You should be careful with your back. It's already starting to get red.” Jared's voice, somewhere to his right and Jensen turns his head, squinting against the sun. Jared is lying on his own towel, his tanned, wet skin soaks up the sun.

Taking notice of the strain, the slight pull to his own skin, he knows Jared is right. “Yeah.” he says with all the intention to move and to get out of the sun. He is too lazy though and so he stays where he is, granting himself another minute before he'll try it again. “Gimme a moment and I'm moving.” he mumbles around a yawn.

Jared chuckles, shakes his head at Jensen's antics and Jensen huffs. Sure he knows that his skin and the sun are not that good a match and well, he would move, if he wasn’t so damn comfy in his current position. Jared considers him for a moment and then sits up, crawling that few feet over to settle down next to him. His knees press against Jensen's thigh. “What are you doing?” Jensen asks and is about draw himself up on his elbows to get a better look at his friend. 

“Stay.” Jared presses him down, broad palm heavy on his back. “I just don't want you to turn into a freaking lobster.” he says quietly and reaches for the sun lotion.

It's a bad idea, Jensen knows it's a really bad idea. “Oh, okay.” he says, a little too breathy and stretches out again. The sudden coolness on his skin makes him gasp. “What the...ah, fuck, that's cold.” he complains.

“Stop being such a girl.” Jared murmurs and places his hands to Jensen's back. Jared's hands are huge and strong and soft, a wonderful warm heat and Jensen forgets what he wants to say, can't remember how to talk at all. He swallows and turns his head into the crook of his bend arm, not wanting Jared to see him, see his closed eyes and coloured cheeks.

Jared is really good at it. It's not the first time that his hands have been on Jensen's back, but never before did it feel like this. He works the lotion into his skin with gentle and soothing movements. His hands slowly following the curves of Jensen's back from the dip over his bottom right up his spine, fingers spread out and skimming his sides. It feels intense and intimate and it’s increasingly becoming a problem. Because Jensen, God, he wants to purr like a cuddly kitten in front of the tiled stove, or to rub himself all over and along Jared, snuggle up against him. He just wants, period. That's the moment Jared scoots his palm all the way up to his neck and hairline. It's one of Jensen's most sensitive spots, always has been. He shivers slightly and all off a sudden Jared stops, hand resting on Jensen's neck. Jensen holds his breath, just lays there and waits. Seconds tick away, a droplet of sweat runs down Jensen's temple. Jared moves his hand again, letting gentle fingers slide over exactly the same spot, back and forth a few times. Jensen bites his lips. It's not fair, he thinks, and his body shudders again.

Jared removes his hands slowly. “Uh, that should be enough. All done.” he tells him. His voice sounds different, rougher and huskier even. Jensen dares to raise his head but Jared is staring ahead.

“Thanks.” Jensen says quietly, a frown on his face. Jared is still not looking at him. He nods in Jensen's direction as a response, shifts uncomfortable and then he stands up in one swift movement. 

“I'm gonna take a swim.”

Jensen could point out that they just came out of the water but it seems that Jared can't get away quick enough, already crossing the beach. “Jared.” Jensen calls after him. He would like to know if he did something wrong, if so, he has no idea what it was. Jared submerges himself into the ocean. When he comes up again he cards his hands through his hair, broad chest full on display and swim trunks hanging low on his hips. He is beautiful and Jensen's breath hitches. It makes him want to capture the moment with his camera.

*~*~*

They started a campfire. The flames are crackling and bristling, mixing with the sound of the ocean. Two of the guys had brought their guitars along, playing some familiar tunes. Jensen sits a few feet away, propped up against some rock and he stares out at the water and at the sun setting low. It turns the sand pink and the water dark. He takes a deep pull from his cigarette, watches how the smoke wafts through the air.

“I didn't know you started again.” Jensen looks up at Jared who suddenly appeared in front of him. He shrugs his shoulders, lets his annoyance shine through. Whatever did happen this afternoon, it made Jared keep his distance the whole time, until now. It stings.  
He continues to watch Jared while he inhales again and flips off the ashes with a cool, nonchalant movement. He licks his lips.  
“And I didn't know you surf.” he finally replies reserved, pointing fleetingly towards the board Jared used earlier. He is good at these things, his defence mechanism, acts on them when he wants to hide how he really feels, all those messed up emotions inside of him. It tells people to buck off and leave him alone. It makes them say he’s arrogant.

Though his smile falters slightly, Jared isn't fooled. He just looks pained while he folds his long legs to sit down beside him. He holds Jensen's gaze. “I'm sorry. About earlier.”

“If I knew what I’d done wrong, if you’d tell me, then maybe I could say sorry, too. Or you know, at least understand why you took off like you did.” Jensen says.

Jared shakes his head. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Okay, that's......well, that's good to know.” Jensen says carefully and waits for Jared to explain it further but his friend shakes his head, stays silent. Seems, that it's not only him who keeps things a secret between them and says things he doesn't mean. He sighs, pats Jared's knee in acceptance and relaxes back against the rock behind him, surface still warm from the sunny day. 

Jared watches him smoke, his brows furrowed disapprovingly. “You do know that it's unhealthy, don't you?”

Jensen huffs a soft laugh. “Yeah, thanks for pointing it out though.” He holds out the cigarette for Jared, like he did so many times before and just like always, he expects that Jared will take it from him to put if off. It's a surprise when Jared curls his hand around his wrist and brings it to his mouth, lips brushing Jensen's fingers while they wrap around the filter and he pulls a drag. His eyes are fixed on Jensen's all the time and his thumb draws little circles to the inside of Jensen's wrist. Jensen swallows, can't look away. The only thing he can think about is that this is flirting, Jared is fucking _flirting_ with _him_. His eyes flicker across the fire to Amy, who is deeply engrossed in a conversation.

Jared brings up his other hand to take hold of the cigarette and he throws it pointedly into the sand. The following silence stretches long between them and Jensen can't decide if it's completely comfortable. He feels Jared’s piercing eyes on him. Maybe he should say something but he doesn't know what, everything is so weird, just like it has been this afternoon and this time, it's Jensen who has the urgent need to storm off and leave his confusion behind.

“What happened to us? ” Jared asks suddenly. Jensen takes a moment to collect himself before he looks over at him with what he hopes is a neutral, calm expression. This question is inevitable and long overdue, at least since he agreed to come here. He knew that they would have to have this conversation at some point but it still catches him off guard.  
“I mean, when did we stop being friends, stop caring for each other? “Jared continues, sounding lost. “Where the fuck did we go wrong?”

Jensen draws lines in the sand with his finger. Maybe, he thinks, the problem is that we never went anywhere. “I don't know, Jay. Maybe we didn't try hard enough? Staying in touch in our line of work, all those miles away from each other, you know it's difficult. Life got in the way, I guess.”

“Life got in the--......” Jared parrots in a soft murmur and then turns to stare incredulously at him. “So that's all it is? Really, Jen? You really think it's that simple?”

“What do you mean?” Jensen asks back, “I'm not saying that I'm happy about the way things turned out. But keeping in touch goes both ways you know, you could have called me too.”

Jared laughs dryly and runs his hands through his hair, messy and curly from the day at the beach. “Yeah, sure. I could have but...I don't know, I guess......it's just......I always had the feeling that you were avoiding me.” He looks down on his hands, mouth twisting in an unhappy frown. “I thought it was what you wanted, that you wanted me to keep away from you. I...I always wondered if you had a problem with me.”

A pang of guilt surges through Jensen because to a certain degree it's true. He avoided Jared for the sake of himself, he never really thought about what it did to Jared, what his behaviour must have looked like. “Shit. No, Jared. God, no, I've never...It wasn't like that.”

“Then tell me what was it? What happened to make you act so distant when we talked on the phone and why you always had an excuse when I suggested a visit?”

Jensen stares at him, at Jared's face, sees his desperation to understand. “Is that why you're trying so hard to make this the best vacation I've ever had? You think I'm here just because I had no excuse this time? Because I didn't find a reason to say no?” Jared shrugs his shoulder, then he nods almost imperceptibly. Jensen takes a deep breath. ”Jesus Christ, Jay. I was......I guess that I was afraid that I would miss you too much. It was just easier that way.” He knows he’s turning red and he can't believe he just said that. It's the closest he ever came to openly admitting his feelings for Jared. He wants to throw up.

“Jensen?” Jared leans forward, pins him with a stare like Jensen is about to tell him the secret of all secrets on this planet. “What does that mean?”

Jensen shifts, stalling for time. His grandma always said that in matters of the heart sometimes you just need to stop thinking and let what you feel be your guide. Jensen loved his grandma and she was a really wise woman but this was one of those old adages that Jensen had always had difficulties in following through. He hates the way it makes him feel, exposed and vulnerable. This, here, now, he could say something and make them talk about that thing between them. But he doesn't. He considers Amy and his and Jared's estranged friendship and there is no need to spill his guts about things that could have been, that are long ago and all these are just fucking excuses for him being a coward.

“You know what I mean.” he finally says, “We lived in each other’s pockets for so long, over six years and I thought it would be good for us to have a break, to concentrate on other things, other people. But it was never my intention for it to be like this between us. Fuck, Jared.” he lets out a sigh “You have to believe me. I've never......there wasn't a time, not once, when I didn't care about you.”

The following pause is long, stretches for minutes. Jensen thinks that at any moment, Jared will call him on it, that he will start to laugh or something. Because this is probably the most stupid reasoning he could have come up with. Jared searches his face and Jensen turns his eyes away, worried what his friend will find if he lets him. His walls were never solid enough when Jared was determined to tear them down. But Jared just smiles softly and shifts to get more comfortable, their shoulders touching. 

“Do you think about Vancouver sometimes?” he asks quietly, close to Jensen's ear.

“Yeah, sometimes I do.” Jensen replies. It's a lie because the truth sounds too pathetic. It's not just sometimes.

“Those really were good times that we had back then. Both of us, together.” 

Jensen finally turns his head, searches Jared's face. His eyes soften. “Yeah, Jay. We did.” he agrees. 

Apparently that's all there is to say because Jared just nods and rests his head against the rock. He stares into the distance, still with that smile on his face and looking more relaxed then he has been ever since Jensen came to the island. He doesn't know what put the smile there, but he likes it, likes the thought that maybe it was him. The night is full of stars and the fire is crackling, guitar sounds are drifting over. It's the second evening Jared chose to sit with him, close to _him._ Maybe it means something. His scent lingers in Jensen's nose, familiar and comforting. It's nice and it feels good and considering what he witnessed last night, it's also deeply confusing. Jensen shifts until his head touches Jared's shoulder. He closes his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

 

Jared goes back to filming after the weekend, leaving early in the morning and coming back late in the evening. It gives Jensen a lot of time and space and he makes the most of it, borrowing Amy's jeep to explore the island. He drives up into the mountains and visits the steep coast, takes a tour into the rain forest and every so often he takes his time to stop in the villages along the way. He has nowhere to be where he doesn't want to be and no one to be than himself. It's relaxing and liberating, he can feel it in the way he is holding himself, the tension that built up over months is slowly bleeding out of him. It has as much to do with Jared's presence as with the fact that for the very first time in a long time he has no schedules to meet, no demanding directors and producers to deal with and no public appearances to make. The week seems to pass without so much as a blink of an eye.

*~*~*

Jensen adds the chopped onions into the pan, stirring them with the garlic and spices. It's Thursday night and a whole long weekend lies undisturbed in front of them. Jared has no call to be on set tomorrow and the equipment for their planned hiking trip is already packed and stored in the car. Jared enters the kitchen, freshly showered with pink cheeks where he scrubbed off the make-up from his day of filming, rubbing his wet hair with a towel. Jensen looks up and their eyes meet in the reflection of the window pane above the sink before he turns around and smiles at Jared for real. As beautiful as the island is and as much as Jensen likes to explore it, this is what he came to appreciate the most. Those quiet hours they’d spend together at the end of each day, when the world outside gets fuzzy before it slowly vanishes into the darkness of the night. Most evenings it's just the two of them, after Jared had been so eager that Jensen would meet his friends, Amy and Kyle are hardly around. They settle into something like a routine and it's dangerous because this here is something he wants a little too much, more than he ever thought.

“Do you want wine for dinner? Or a beer?” Jared asks. Jensen studies him, how he leans with his hip against the counter, casual, maybe trying to make it look a little too casual. There is a flicker in his eyes and a slight shift in his stance the longer Jensen stays silent. 

“I think I would like to have wine, thanks.” he finally replies. 

The onions frizzle and he turns back to the stove, stirring the ingredients and scooping up the tomatoes, adding them as well. The skin on his neck prickles and he knows Jared's eyes are still on him. He takes a deep breath, reaching for the salt. It's been like this ever since that night on the beach. A slow building tension has settled between them, all those little glances and looks, touches that are anything but accidental. He is aware that they had been at this point already, back when he had stayed at Jared's place. Feeling like he does now, it's complicated and definitely not the easiest way. It's a little like being in high school again when loving someone leaves you overwhelmed and nauseous, makes you want to shout it from the rooftop only to hide away at the same time. When you are vulnerable like that, it makes it difficult to put yourself out there. Jensen is torn between excitement and doubt and he doesn't know how to take the next step, or if he should even take it at all. He isn't sure what Jared's motives are or if his friend is just being his overly affectionate self. When Jared's gaze rests on him, just as it does now, it feels like being under a microscope, as if Jared is trying to figure him out, calculating the odds. But Jensen can't be sure and maybe he has it all wrong and it's just his wishful thinking, projecting his own feelings on Jared.

“That smells awesome.” Jared says moving around behind him and Jensen listens to the sounds of a wine bottle being opened. “Damn, I’m gonna miss this. Having someone who can actually cook real food for me. What will I do when you're off to, what was it? Chicago?”

Jensen closes his eyes briefly. He is just visiting, the ticket for his way back to reality stored safely in the drawer of his room. He huffs a laugh and grabs the pepper mill. It's not even his room but the guest room. All week he was so occupied with that huge bunch of emotions inside his chest that he almost forgot about the fact that his time here is limited. Hearing Jared's words feels like a slap in his face.

“If you wanted to, you could stay longer. For as long as you want. I'm not gonna throw you out, you know? Or.....or you could come back. You're always welcome here.” Jared suggests quietly into the sudden tense silence.

Jensen nods but doesn't turn around, focusing on the pot with boiling water and watches the bubbles seethe on the surface. “Of course I will be back and you will be visiting me in Chicago. You and me not talking to each other, it's not something I’m gonna let happen again.” he replies, his voice not as steady as he would like it to be. Adding the scampi to the other ingredients and checking the pasta he adds, “Dinner will be ready in a minute. Would you mind setting the table?”

Jared doesn't answer but the bottle is being put down on the table with a soft clunk and it’s too late before Jensen realises that the plates are in the cupboard next to him. He is about to get out of the way but Jared is already right behind him. His chest is almost touching Jensen's back where he crowds him against the stove. It's as if time slows down and everything narrows in to this moment, to the almost touch and the heat Jared is radiating against his back. He leaves little puffs of breath against Jensen's neck and his hand and arm brush along Jensen's side while he reaches out to open the cupboard to get the plates. Jensen holds himself still, trying to pretend that his heart isn't about to stop beating. He catalogues everything, senses sharpened to every nuance of Jared's proximity. His solid warmth feels like a promise, an invitation. It feels good, maybe a little too good judging by the heat that pools in his belly. And Jared _lingers_ ; doesn't move for a few seconds. He inhales deeply, chest expanding to press ever so slightly against Jensen’s back. It is as if Jared takes him in, memorising his scent.  
“Jensen.” he murmurs softly and the exhale ghosts along the side of Jensen's face. Consequences be damned Jensen leans back to feel more of Jared pressed against him. 

The ringing noise of the phone echoing through the kitchen breaks the moment. Both men jump and Jared moves away, leaving Jensen's space as quickly as he invaded it in the first place. The plates are still in the cupboard, the open door a mocking reminder of Jared's closeness mere seconds ago. Jensen's back is too cold, almost an ache and his arm tingles where Jared touched him. He fights down the inconvenient spike of arousal and moves his head slightly to look at Jared.

“Oh hey, Amy. What's up?” Jared answers the call. His fingers run back and forth over a scratch on the wooden table but his eyes, they rest on Jensen. “Oh really? Tonight? No, I guess not.”

The wind picked up some during the evening and the screen door slams against its frame. It reminds Jensen that there is a world outside this kitchen, away from the frizzling pan and the boiling pasta, where the air is not heavy and Jared can't look at him like that. Where there is no Amy on the phone. He pulls the pan off the stove and drains the pasta, wipes his hands on the towel. He isn't even hungry anymore. Jensen closes the cupboard door and leaves the kitchen.

*~*~*

Jared joins him outside ten minutes later, settling down next to him. Their legs are not touching, something that became like a habit during the last few days whenever they sat down somewhere. Jensen misses it instantly.  
The grass is a little moist and Jared pulls a face but doesn't move again. He brought along the wine and he fills two glasses, drawing Jensen's attention towards his long, slender fingers. Tension is rolling off Jared's body in waves mixed with what seems to be frustration. Jensen can't help but admire his steady hand when he holds out the glass to him. He knows it was childish to leave the kitchen like he did and he already regrets it. It's funny that it's always Jared, and only ever Jared, who can throw him off his game like that.

„We should stop doing this.“ Jared says after a moment of silence when it becomes clear that Jensen won't speak first. 

“Doing what?” Jensen asks. The wine is good, fruity and not too sweet, but at this moment he would prefer the burn of a good tequila.

“Taking off without a word.” Jared stops and takes a deep breath, “Running away and pretending like there is nothing going on between us. I mean, Jesus, I’ve been trying this whole week to figure out what it is that you want. I thought I got it but....” he sighs warily, “.....if I read you wrong and you don't want this to happen than you have to tell me now. We can go back to just being friends and I will try not to die out of embarrassment that I brought it up.” He reaches out and places his hand in the wet grass. His fingertips are touching Jensen's lightly.

He studies Jared’s profile, the straight line of his nose and his high cheekbones, slanted eyes half hidden behind loose strands of hair. Four years of knowing that something was missing in his life. Not many people get a second chance to do it right. “I don't want to go back to just being friends. You’re right. I want more.”

“Well, then why did you leave the kitchen in such a hurry?” Jared wants to know. His voice is soft around the edges and he looks ahead, studies the dark night intently.

Jensen looks down at Jared's hand, then up to his face again. “I saw you. I couldn't sleep the second night and that's when I saw you and Amy. Over there.” Jared's eyes flicker over to the lawn chair and realisation dawns on his face. He blushes fiercely.

“Oh fuck. Jensen--”

Jensen shakes his head. Without realising it, he takes Jared's hand, hooks their fingers together. “It's okay, she’s your type I get that. You don't have to say sorry because there is nothing you have to be sorry for. It isn't like I have a claim on you or anything like that. I just....I don't want to be caught in the middle of something, that's all.”

“In the middle of something?” Jared repeats softly and he shifts and then their legs are pressed against each other. “No you're not. God, Jen, you still don't get it, do you? It's all about you. Always you. Only ever you......My career, doing what I love and trying to be the best that I can. Getting divorced, hell, probably even getting married in the first place. The fact that I invited you here with the hope for......for _something_ even when at the same time I was fucking afraid you would turn me down. I'm not sure when it started to be this way but here I am. So tell me again that you don't have a claim on me.” his grip tightens and he lets out a frustrated noise, “That night, I was drunk and horny. Frustrated. You, here with me and yet I couldn't touch you like I wanted to. Me and Amy, we fooled around a few times before but on both parts, it never meant more than what it was. Having some fun.”

Jensen nods as he lets the words sink in and tries to process what Jared is telling him. For a long time he is stuck on the part where Jared said that Jensen has a claim on him. It's a breathtaking, beautiful, maybe even scary thought. He stares down at their joined hands, watches Jared's thumb drawing circle over gentle circle across the inside of his wrist. The legs of his jeans are wet from the grass, a stone is digging into his bottom. It smells like more rain will come down soon. The moon and stars are cloaked by clouds that run across the sky in a constantly changing mixture of grey and black. And yet, it couldn't be more perfect.  
He tugs at Jared's hand and Jared follows, shifts and moves closer until he is almost completely pressed up against Jensen. He smiles softly and his eyes fall down to Jensen's mouth. “Are we really going to do this?” he whispers.

“What does it look like? Children's tea party?”Jensen says with a raised eyebrow.  
Cupping Jared's face in his hands, his fingers vibrate under Jared's huffed laughter. He can't remember who closed the remaining distance between them. Maybe they moved at the same time but now they are kissing. Warm and slick and for all the feelings that linger between them, it's surprisingly sweet and gentle. Jensen sighs and lets his lips brush over Jared's, they feel so smooth and soft to touch and when he licks along them, he can taste the red wine on his tongue. Kissing like this should become tiring after some time and Jensen is mildly amused that it doesn't. It feels intimate and intense and he wraps his arms around Jared's shoulders and finds himself pressed even tighter against him in return. He sinks back into the ground, takes Jared with him who follows within a heartbeat, seemingly unwilling to let go, not even for the tiniest moment. His hands find their way under Jared's shirt, stroking along his back and coming to a rest on Jared's waist. He moves his hips upwards, rolls them against Jared, reckless and full of want.

Jared nudges one final kiss before he rests his head against Jensen's forehead. He exhales shakily. “God, you have no idea what you do to me.” his eyes are dark and shining, Jensen could drown in them. 

“Sorry.” Jensen whispers with a soft smirk, lifting his hand to touch Jared's lower lip lightly, coming away wet with spit.

“Like hell you are.” Jared replies with a huff. Jensen's smirk widens and he arches his body up again, hooks one leg around Jared's waist to get more friction for the both of them. Jared groans and lets his head fall on Jensen shoulder, panting wetly against his skin. “You. Damn. Oh, fuck.” he hisses and kisses along Jensen's neck and jaw, brushes his lips against his temple and trails them across his brows, touches them to the corner of his eyes and the tip of his nose.

One of Jared's legs winds its way between Jensen's, spreading them wider and pressing upwards as he starts to grind down at the same time. Jensen shudders with pleasure about to come in his pants like an over-sexed teenager. He certainly feels like one. His hands scoot into the back of Jared's jeans, squeezing firm globes and urging him to go on. Jared seals their lips together again, kisses him more devouring and hungry and he opens his mouth wider to accommodate Jared's tongue and kisses back with all that he feels, like he always imagined to do. It sucks the air right out of his lungs. And they kiss and kiss and it takes minutes, hours until their lips are bruised and swollen, until he doesn’t know how to not kiss Jared anymore. The first drops of rain are falling down on them, fresh but not cold and Jensen doesn't mind. The only thing he can think about is how much time they have wasted.

*~*~*

It's dark and they are in Jared's bed, white linen draped loosely around their naked bodies. The night is quiet and calm, once more humid after all the rain. The windows and doors to Jared's bedroom are wide open and a warm breeze sweeps inside, bringing along the sounds of the rushing sea and swaying palm fronds. Jared lit up some candles, soft yellow light that flickers across the ceiling and walls. The air is filled with their orange blossoms scent, mixing with sandalwood and cedar from Jared's shower gel that lingers on their skin. The atmosphere is romantic and sentimental and a cliché and really, really stupid. Jensen loves it. He lies on his stomach, eyes heavy-lidded, his head rests on his arms. Jared trails his fingers over the notches of Jensen's spine, looking at him with dark eyes.

“Did you ever imagine it being this way?” he asks and his fingernails scratch along the nape of Jensen's neck, making him shiver.

Raising his head slightly he looks at Jared. “What do you mean? What way?”

Jared scoots closer, his palm now flat on Jensen's lower back, adding light pressure. “This. Us. Did you think that it would be so, so.....” he trails off, searching for the right word. 'What? Jensen thinks. 'Sappy? Passionate? Sensual?' 

“So Perfect?” is what he offers aloud.

Jared smiles at him and leans down, kisses his shoulder softly. “Yes that too, but I mean so natural.” he finally says.

Jensen regards him for a moment, before he looks away, tracking the shadows along the wall. “I always imagined it to be something I wouldn't wanna give up once I had it.” he admits quietly, frowning at how open and vulnerable his words sound.

Jared hums, pressing against Jensen's side, biting gently into his neck before he shifts to kneel behind him. He brings his other hand to Jensen's back as well, forcing him even further into the mattress. The touch lingers and then Jared scoots his hands sideward, wide palms pressing into Jensen’s lower back and along the swell of his ass to finally wrap around his waist pulling him up until he rests on his knees. Jensen goes willingly with the motion, feels loose and warm, easy under Jared's hands.

“Then this is your lucky day because I'm yours to keep. I’m not going anywhere.” Jared promises, teeth nipping gently at Jensen's back, fingers flexing against his skin. His tone is light but his gestures are not. Jensen closes his eyes and with a sigh, he opens his legs further to Jared's touch.

They have sex in those tangled sheets with the candles still burning and the curtains swaying gently in the wind. Jared moves deep inside of him, smooth and unhurried, like he is exactly where he wants to be. His hands are curled firmly around Jensen's hips, holding him steady and his wet and warm lips are brushing over Jensen's sweaty skin. Jensen pants into the sheets, pushing back into the body behind him as he allows Jared to slowly take him apart. Noises and words are whispered into the sticky air, lingering between them. Jensen doesn't realise what he says and can't catch the meaning of the words that Jared kisses against his skin. It doesn't matter. 

His orgasm kind of surprises him, takes over without any real warning and his legs and arms quiver with the intensity of it. Jared's hand is around his cock, stroking and squeezing until he shudders himself, wrapping his arms around Jensen's torso to pull him as close as possible; his final drives into Jensen's body are harsh, persistent. Unable to hold them both up, Jensen sags forward into the sheets, taking Jared with him, a warm and heavy weight against his back. He lies there and relishes the way he feels. Breathless, sated, dirty and messy; his muscles burn painfully but in a very good way. 

“Jesus, you’re heavy.” he grunts finally and shoves. Jared chuckles and lifts himself off and to the side, his hand stays on Jensen's body not ready to let go. Jensen turns around lazily, lying down on his back, head facing towards Jared. The candles are nearly burned down and there is only a faint light illuminating the bedroom. Jared's face glows from the physical exertion and his body glistens with a fine layer of sweat. His hair unravelled into messy curls framing his face, kiss-bruised lips are smiling gently and Jared's gaze is entirely fixed on him. Jensen can't take his eyes away.

Jared moves his hand and slides idle fingers through the come on Jensen's stomach. “I think you'll need another shower.” he observes. 

Jensen hums softly in agreement before he puts his hand above Jared's and entwines their fingers. “You could join me.” 

“Oh, I really hoped you would say that.” Jared replies, amusement colouring his voice. Jensen leans over to catch Jared's mouth, kissing the smile away when the last one of the candles goes out. The rustling of the sheets and the slick sound of their tongues and lips suddenly loud in the deep darkness of the room. The air is still heavy with the scents of blossom orange and sandalwood and cedar. The kiss deepens and it’s something that tugs at Jensen's heart and makes the edges of his world go fuzzy. He presses his nose into Jared's hair, breathing in his scent before he moves his lips close to his ear. “My heart beats too fast when I'm near you and I never want to be without you again. Guess that means that I'm in love with you.”

Jared stays silent, maybe his breath stutters slightly. His hand comes up to touch Jensen’s face and his free arm slides carefully around Jensen’s waist. His hold is tender and focused, like he is holding something of incredible value. “I know this feeling; guess that means that I’m in love with you too.” he finally says.

*~*~*

They never get to that shower but take a nightly swim instead, throwing themselves into the ocean like overenthusiastic kids. Jared moves behind Jensen to hold him against his chest, pulling his swimming trunks behind his balls to jerk him off ever so slow and sweet. Jensen moans and pants, reaching up behind him to tangle his hand into Jared's dripping hair.  
When they lie down in the wet sand Jensen maps out Jared's body with his lips and tongue, tasting salt and sand before he kisses his way down and takes Jared into his mouth. The moon comes finally out and the water sloshes around them and Jared whispers his name into the night air.

They stay at the beach. Jared's arms and legs are wrapped around him from behind as they watch the sky turn into a paler blue. Jared's chin rests on Jensen's shoulder and he lets out a slow, soft sigh. His hand caresses Jensen's stomach, circling his belly button, dipping gently inside, skimming along the elastic band of his swimming trunks. Constantly touching like he can't get enough, like everything will be over when the sun rises again. “We'll make this work, won’t we? This is a forever-kind-of-thing?” he asks quietly and for all the sureness he conveyed earlier he now sounds insecure and kind of lost. 

There are a thousand reasons why it won't work and a million why it will. This thing between them is not flawless but it has every prospect to be. He stills Jared's hand and brings it up, kisses each and every single knuckle with a gentle brush of his lips. “Yes. We’re gonna make this work.” he replies and a smile spreads slowly across his face. Nothing ever sounded more true.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably misused every cliche there is about the Caribbean. Sorry!


End file.
